A
check of popular social applications such as Facebook, Twitter and
Instagram show that marriages and relationships are portrayed as a
fairy-tale, ‘happily-ever-after’ story.
Reality check! When social media paints relationships as a fairy-tale, society is headed down the wrong path.
"The
use of the social media, like Facebook and Instagram, can also affect
relations among married couples because of their insensitivity with the
posting of unsuitable photographs and status," psychologist and Dean of
the Education Faculty, Universiti Malaya, Associate Professor Dr Mariani
Mohd Nor had stated earlier in January.
"When
they express anger by sending messages in WhatsApp, it can give a
different perception and intonation from what is actually intended by
the sender," she told Bernama.
According
to the Syariah Judiciary Department Malaysia (JKSM), statistics showed
that the number of Muslim couples getting divorced rose by 2.3 times
from 20,916 in 2004 to 48,029 in 2012.
The
number of divorce cases went up to 53,870 in 2014, whereas the recorded
divorce cases from January till August 2015 are 38, 035.
Since
social media increasingly intrudes into the innermost corners of our
personal lives, many recent studies and surveys have pointed the blame
at this invisible digital domain as the cause of their relationships
falling apart.
What
was once a tool for sharing party pictures and finding long-lost
friends is now the reason behind many divorces as it contributes to
online stalking of ex-boyfriends, or even current ones for that matter.
But is social media the main cause of couples breaking up?
Malaysian Digest
takes a closer look into actual stories on how couples are affected by
social media and shares some tips on how to overcome it.
Social Media Is The New Relationship Minefield
Many
relationships today start online as the initial courting process
doesn't begin with asking someone in person out to dinner anymore but
rather digital exchanges through a mobile messaging app or even liking
the person's profile picture. Increasingly many marriages and romantic
relationships have met their untimely ending online too as studies and
research findings in the last few years suggest an increase in the
number of people citing social media use as a cause of divorce year on
year.
According
to a survey conducted by a UK law firm Slater and Gordon in April last
year, one in five couples ended up arguing about what they discovered
about their partner after going on social media while one in seven
people said they'd considered divorce because of their spouses'
questionable activity on Facebook, Skype, Snapchat, Twitter or
WhatsApp.
“Five
years ago Facebook was rarely mentioned in the context of a marriage
ending, but now it has become common place for clients to cite social
media use, or something they discovered on social media, as a reason for
divorce," the law firm statement quotes.
Here are some of the most common causes of Divorce.
1. Posting Sexy Or Revealing Pictures Of Yourself
Not all men are open minded to feel secure about their
partners posting pictures of themselves in a bikini or revealing
clothes.
Rueben,
a final year engineering student from University Malaya, who ended his
relationship a few months ago, says that “I obviously don’t have a
problem you looking sexy, it’s the fact that you’re sharing it with the
entire online world and it seems like you just want attention”.
Not
only guys but even girls do think that pictures that exposes too much
of one's body is inappropriate to be posted on social media.
“I
broke up with my boyfriend because of this, whenever he posts a picture
showing off his abs, there will be hundreds of likes and comments that
make me jealous, why he needs such attention when he already has mine?”
Sarah, a beauty consultant shared..
2. Excessively Keeping In Touch With Your Ex
It
is not wrong to keep in touch with your ex, but you should know your
limits and boundaries, once in a while greeting each other is okay, not
liking all his statuses and posting cutesy comments on his photos.
You
never know what is in his/her mind because for you it may be nothing
but they might think you’re provoking jealousy or provoking attention
from your current boyfriend, which is very dangerous for your present
relationship.
Syazali,
a secondary school teacher emphasized that “never ever befriend your ex
on social media, you may fall back for them without realizing you’re
losing your current partner. Do remember, there is a reason why he/she
is your ex”.
Pei
Qi, a junior lawyer shared that she accepted her ex’s request on
Facebook because she didn’t want him to be a stranger to her. “After we
became friends, he started his sweet talking and made me fall for him
again, that led to us getting married. Sadly the marriage lasted less
than two years”.
3. Being The Mega Creeper (Stalker)
It
is common for us to give in to good old human nature and the urge to
check on our partner’s pictures and posts, but there is a fine line you
cross when start stalking the person and everything he/she does online.
Sometimes
we spend time decoding his texts or we wonder what he meant by that
cryptic status, but it’s definitely a turn-off to guys when they feel
like you’re watching and obsessing about their every move.
“If
something is bothering you about what your guy or girl has been doing
online, talk to them about it. It’s important to communicate with your
partner instead of making assumptions or getting possessive. No need to
call them out on every like,” Anjali, a Masters student majoring in
Psychology says.
4. Facebooking The Problem Instead Of Facing It
Most
guys agree that you should steer clear from posting vague or
passive-aggressive statuses. They always expect to go straight to the
point as they don’t prefer to read between the lines.
Mathen,
a marine engineer, says that if something is seriously distressing his
girlfriend, he wants to hear about it before it goes on Facebook. “If I
see some vague, frustrated status about her life, I’m going to assume
it’s meant for me,” he says.
For
Murali, posting or tweeting indirect messages seem to be immature. He
feels that those posts that are online are visible to the whole world
and it is indirectly telling them you’re unhappy with your life.
“Sometimes
that message can give rise to rumours among your peers and
acquaintances that she is having a problem in life, especially when
others know who her partner is” he added.
How To Manage Emotional Intimacy In Relationships In The Age Of Social Media
Social
media is here to stay. We cannot turn the other way and pretend it is
not part of all our lives. While its easier to blame social media for
ruining your relationship, lets face it, both parties in a relationship
play a major part in whether a relationship is ruined or survives, not
just Facebook, Skype, WhatsApp, WeChat or Snapchat.
For
Gen Y netizens which includes myself and many of my peers, we pretty
much grew up 'Facebooking' and seen countless relationships crash and
burn online. So I reached out to my friends on Facebook and gathered
some pointers on what are the tell-tale signs that your relationship is
in trouble on social media.
1. You Get Upset With The Amount Of Time You Partner Spend Online
Quality
time spent with your partner is very important to sustain a
relationship. After a long day at work, definitely everyone would like
to have a short chat with their partner and share their emotions. If
your partner doesn’t have time to listen to you but have time to be on
social media, there must be something wrong with that.
2. Your Partner Doesn’t Put Your Relationship On Display
If
you have a partner who posts almost everything that he does, then
suddenly not posting about your relationship is certainly a red flag. It
is either he/she is not certain about the relationship or is doing
something behind your back.
3. Your Partner Being Secretive Of Their Online Activity
It
is important to give each other individual space and privacy but if
he/she tends to hide or log out whenever they are with you, you guys
clearly need to work on some trust and transparency issues. There
shouldn’t be feelings of insecurity between couples when it comes to
social media.
Similarly,
my mini 'focus' group online agreed with the following time-tested do's
and don't's on how to keep social media from driving a wedge between
you and your partner as highlighted by certified life and relationship
coach, Troy Spry in the blog paulcbrunson.com in the article 'Four Ways to Keep Social Media from Ruining Your Relationship' posted in December 2015.
1. Be Transparent On Your Relationship Status
That
doesn’t mean you have to update the whole world on what you guys are up
to, but they should know that you are in a relationship. If you are
married in real but single online, it is a false message that you’re
portraying to your virtual friends. You may not have any wrong
intention, but you are indirectly creating a space for others to think
that you are still available.
2. Communicate With Your Partner
If
you find yourself more attracted to your virtual friends because they
give you more attention than your partner, you should take this warning
sign seriously. Your partner might have been busy with work that they
fail to realize they have not been giving enough attention to you.
Rather than telling the whole world about your problem and seeking
attention, talk to your partner and come up with a solution.
3. Keep Your Facebook An Open Book
Everybody
have a certain level of curiosity towards their partner’s online
activity. It may look like they don’t trust you, but it is just that
they need you to be open so that it’ll make both parties comfortable.
This doesn’t mean you got to share your password with your spouse, but
don’t do the sneaky stuff behind their back because hiding will only
make it worst.
4. Know When To Keep Your Phone Aside
Make
it a point to keep your phone away when you’re with your partner. They
need the same attention that you look for. Always make your partner feel
that they are equally important and you put them above your online
friends because if they tend to feel they need to compete for your
attention, it will not be healthy for the relationship.
Keep
in mind, your mate needs just to have the capacity to trust you 100%,
even past the screens of online networking and the Internet. Keep in
mind that when those digital companions are gone, your significant other
is the person who is really going to be there in person, where it makes
a real difference. Try not to let your online friendships demolish your
real relationship.