Marriage is the coming together of two imperfect people, so there are tendencies that you will rub each other off on the wrong side sometimes. Learn how to avoid the 5 major things that have destroyed many marriages.
If you had a crystal ball and could see that you and your partner were unhappy or split up in the future, how surprised would you be? Pay attention to how you answer that – your level of surprise (or lack thereof) could be useful information. Empirical studies have found that this kind of “pre-hindsight” can help you reach your goals in life. And, in this situation, help you put your relationship on a path toward a happier future.
Pre-hindsight is about applying rational thinking to your emotional awareness. And while many people might equate being rational to suppressing emotions, as Julia Galef, the president of the Center for Applied Rationality, stated, “Rationality isn’t about getting rid of emotions, but analyzing them and taking them into considerations when making decisions.”
Pre-hindsight can help you see when your relationship is already on a path to unhappiness by making you aware that you wouldn’t be surprised by its failure. This is an awareness that you can use to your advantage.
You can improve your chances of a happier future by listing all the reasons you think the relationship might fail. Then the two of you can work together to address those problems. For instance, if you are basically leading separate lives, you can choose to prioritize your relationship. You might find ways to connect (even briefly) through the week and make plans to spend more time together on the weekends. Or, if you have particular issues that you tend to fight about again and again, you might decide to sit down at a calm time and finally resolve them in a mutually agreed upon way. However, if there are problems that you don’t know how to fix, then you would be wise to consider couples therapy.
The key to using pre-hindsight effectively to help your relationship is to take seriously your level of surprise when you think about your relationship failing. When you do that, you give yourself and your partner the chance to set a better course before the problems become worse, or even insurmountable. So, sit down today and ask yourself: How surprised would I be to find myself alone next year or in a decade from now? Then act accordingly.
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