It's
pretty much common sense to know that, at least initially, infidelity, affairs,
and cheating can have a devastating effect on your marriage. This is the most
severe of all betrayals and it can literally challenge everything that you've
ever believed about your spouse and your marriage. It hurts your self-esteem.
It erodes the trust. It leads to resentment and a loss of intimacy and
vulnerability. It leads to psychological issues. It goes against all you have
believed in.
In
short, each party is left injured, hurt, and not sure how to proceed to make
things right again. But, it doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage if
you're both committed to not letting it do so. You will have to correctly
address and fix the fall out to overcome it, but it certainly can be done. I'll
discuss the effects of infidelity on a marriage and then tell you how to work
through them in this article.
Give Yourself Permission To Feel
And Then Process Whatever Feelings Come Out, Feel Them Fully, And Then Move On: Initially, you will likely be
extremely shocked, angry, and reeling. Many people will try to deny or push
down these very negative feelings because acknowledging them brings about scary
feelings of fear and vulnerability. Acknowledging these negative feelings can also
bring out characters you never might have thought you possessed. However, if
you tell yourself you're fine when you're really not or if you cheat yourself
of experiencing these feelings and then releasing them, you're truly only
delaying your own progress.
You
must acknowledge and then experience these feelings and release them in order
to move past them for good. If you don't, they will just keep returning and
haunting you over and over. This will be frustrating and will only make things
worse. With that said, once you've taken the time to process your feelings,
make a commitment to not dwell on them. The best case scenario is for you to
fully heal from this, emerging completely whole. This is not going to be
possible if you keep bringing up the negative and allow these things to keep
you from being as happy and joyful as you deserve to be. You have to make
consistent effort to move beyond all the negative feelings you have so as to
move pass your partners’ infidelity.
Don't Rush Past Identifying And
Then Working Through Whatever Issues Contributed To The Infidelity: I am completely aware of how
painful it is to have the hard conversations that will help you to pinpoint why
your spouse chose to betray you in this way. Many people really have an inclination
to skip this step because they mistakenly think that putting their cards on the
table is really only wallowing in the mire of their misery. Admittedly, this is
a difficult process that may not be much fun. It won’t be fun at all but you
need to go through this phase. It is an important one that you must not avoid
if you want things to get back to normal or to feel better as soon as is
possible.
But,
if you don't become aware of the problems and then fix them how are you going
to be sure that this is not going to happen again? How can you be confident
enough to trust again? How will you feel as secure as you need to be to make
this work? Because in order to really be able to move on, you need to have
peace of mind. You need to not fear that you're going to be hurt again. In
order to get to this place, you must understand where your marriage's
vulnerabilities are and then fix them. As a last step, you should put safe
guards in place that will keep both of you secure and moving forward.
Knowing That You Don't Have To
Settle For Less Than What You Deserve:
Many people go through the recovery process dragging their feet because frankly
they know that the payoff isn't all that great. So they accept their spouse
back and bitterly look forward to limping on with their vulnerable and broken
marriage. What's to like about this? Not much. To really be successful, you
need to look forward to something that you can get excited about. You need to
create something that is new, fresh, and better.
This
is going to look differently for every couple. What works for one may not work
for another. But the real key here is identifying what you need and want and
then simply asking for it and making it very clear that you won't accept
anything less. Of course, you must be willing to do the same for your spouse,
but the payoff to this is huge because you will both emerge a lot happier and
more fulfilled. Often, people really want a fresh new start. They don't want to
continue doing things in the same stagnant way. They want to create a new and
better reality that excites and motivates them to keep going.
Looking For Fulfillment In Your
Own Mirror: This is a small point, but it’s one that I
know is necessary to make. Healing and recovery lies as much within yourself as
it does within your spouse. Yes, you must work together as a couple. Yes, a lot
of this is joint work that you must do together. But, some of it must be done
alone. You will likely lack self-esteem after being cheated on. You may doubt
yourself. You may feel weak and vulnerable. And so, you must do whatever is
necessary to build yourself back you. You must give yourself permission to care
for yourself as the same way you would your children, your job, or your spouse.
You
deserve every bit as much of yourself as these folks do. And a mom and wife who
is happy with her own inner life is going to be more effective for and to those
she loves. Do the things you've always been putting up or have always wanted to
do. You deserve it and there is no better time than now. Self-confidence and self-respect are absolutely necessary to move
forward in whatever life throws at you and this is a very attractive trait that
is going to draw people to you. Don't allow yourself to be a victim. You are no
one's victim. Take control and create the life that you want.
I
know that healing from infidelity and restoring your self esteem is difficult,
but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my
marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work
on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger
and my self esteem is at an all time high.
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