Social Media might just Save your Relationship!!

A check of popular social applications such as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram show that marriages and relationships are portrayed as a fairy-tale, ‘happily-ever-after’ story. 

Reality check! When social media paints relationships as a fairy-tale, society is headed down the wrong path. 

"The use of the social media, like Facebook and Instagram, can also affect relations among married couples because of their insensitivity with the posting of unsuitable photographs and status," psychologist and Dean of the Education Faculty, Universiti Malaya, Associate Professor Dr Mariani Mohd Nor had stated earlier in January.

"When they express anger by sending messages in WhatsApp, it can give a different perception and intonation from what is actually intended by the sender," she told Bernama.

According to the Syariah Judiciary Department Malaysia (JKSM), statistics showed that the number of Muslim couples getting divorced rose by 2.3 times from 20,916 in 2004 to 48,029 in 2012.

The number of divorce cases went up to 53,870 in 2014, whereas the recorded divorce cases from January till August 2015 are 38, 035.

Since social media increasingly intrudes into the innermost corners of our personal lives, many recent studies and surveys have pointed the blame at this invisible digital domain as the cause of their relationships falling apart. 

What was once a tool for sharing party pictures and finding long-lost friends is now the reason behind many divorces as it contributes to online stalking of ex-boyfriends, or even current ones for that matter.

But is social media the main cause of couples breaking up? 

Malaysian Digest takes a closer look into actual stories on how couples are affected by social media and shares some tips on how to overcome it.

Social Media Is The New Relationship Minefield

Many relationships today start online as the initial courting process doesn't begin with asking someone in person out to dinner anymore but rather digital exchanges through a mobile messaging app or even liking the person's profile picture. Increasingly many marriages and romantic relationships have met their untimely ending online too as studies and research findings in the last few years suggest an increase in the number of people citing social media use as a cause of divorce year on year.

According to a survey conducted by a UK law firm Slater and Gordon in April last year, one in five couples ended up arguing about what they discovered about their partner after going on social media while one in seven people said they'd considered divorce because of their spouses' questionable activity on Facebook, Skype, Snapchat, Twitter or WhatsApp. 

“Five years ago Facebook was rarely mentioned in the context of a marriage ending, but now it has become common place for clients to cite social media use, or something they discovered on social media, as a reason for divorce," the law firm statement quotes.

Here are some of the most common causes of Divorce.

1. Posting Sexy Or Revealing Pictures Of Yourself

 Not all men are open minded to feel secure about their partners posting pictures of themselves in a bikini or revealing clothes.

Rueben, a final year engineering student from University Malaya, who ended his relationship a few months ago, says that “I obviously don’t have a problem you looking sexy, it’s the fact that you’re sharing it with the entire online world and it seems like you just want attention”.

Not only guys but even girls do think that pictures that exposes too much of one's body is inappropriate to be posted on social media.

“I broke up with my boyfriend because of this, whenever he posts a picture showing off his abs, there will be hundreds of likes and comments that make me jealous, why he needs such attention when he already has mine?” Sarah, a beauty consultant shared..

2. Excessively Keeping In Touch With Your Ex

It is not wrong to keep in touch with your ex, but you should know your limits and boundaries, once in a while greeting each other is okay, not liking all his statuses and posting cutesy comments on his photos.

You never know what is in his/her mind because for you it may be nothing but they might think you’re provoking jealousy or provoking attention from your current boyfriend, which is very dangerous for your present relationship.

Syazali, a secondary school teacher emphasized that “never ever befriend your ex on social media, you may fall back for them without realizing you’re losing your current partner. Do remember, there is a reason why he/she is your ex”.

Pei Qi, a junior lawyer shared that she accepted her ex’s request on Facebook because she didn’t want him to be a stranger to her. “After we became friends, he started his sweet talking and made me fall for him again, that led to us getting married. Sadly the marriage lasted less than two years”.

3. Being The Mega Creeper (Stalker)

It is common for us to give in to good old human nature and the urge to check on our partner’s pictures and posts, but there is a fine line you cross when start stalking the person and everything he/she does online.

Sometimes we spend time decoding his texts or we wonder what he meant by that cryptic status, but it’s definitely a turn-off to guys when they feel like you’re watching and obsessing about their every move.

“If something is bothering you about what your guy or girl has been doing online, talk to them about it. It’s important to communicate with your partner instead of making assumptions or getting possessive. No need to call them out on every like,” Anjali, a Masters student majoring in Psychology says.

4. Facebooking The Problem Instead Of Facing It

Most guys agree that you should steer clear from posting vague or passive-aggressive statuses. They always expect to go straight to the point as they don’t prefer to read between the lines.

Mathen, a marine engineer, says that if something is seriously distressing his girlfriend, he wants to hear about it before it goes on Facebook. “If I see some vague, frustrated status about her life, I’m going to assume it’s meant for me,” he says.

For Murali, posting or tweeting indirect messages seem to be immature. He feels that those posts that are online are visible to the whole world and it is indirectly telling them you’re unhappy with your life.

“Sometimes that message can give rise to rumours among your peers and acquaintances that she is having a problem in life, especially when others know who her partner is” he added.

How To Manage Emotional Intimacy In Relationships In The Age Of Social Media

Social media is here to stay. We cannot turn the other way and pretend it is not part of all our lives. While its easier to blame social media for ruining your relationship, lets face it, both parties in a relationship play a major part in whether a relationship is ruined or survives, not just Facebook, Skype, WhatsApp, WeChat or Snapchat.

For Gen Y netizens which includes myself and many of my peers, we pretty much grew up 'Facebooking' and seen countless relationships crash and burn online. So I reached out to my friends on Facebook and gathered some pointers on what are the tell-tale signs that your relationship is in trouble on social media.

1. You Get Upset With The Amount Of Time You Partner Spend Online

Quality time spent with your partner is very important to sustain a relationship. After a long day at work, definitely everyone would like to have a short chat with their partner and share their emotions. If your partner doesn’t have time to listen to you but have time to be on social media, there must be something wrong with that.

2. Your Partner Doesn’t Put Your Relationship On Display

If you have a partner who posts almost everything that he does, then suddenly not posting about your relationship is certainly a red flag. It is either he/she is not certain about the relationship or is doing something behind your back.

3. Your Partner Being Secretive Of Their Online Activity

It is important to give each other individual space and privacy but if he/she tends to hide or log out whenever they are with you, you guys clearly need to work on some trust and transparency issues. There shouldn’t be feelings of insecurity between couples when it comes to social media.

Similarly, my mini 'focus' group online agreed with the following time-tested do's and don't's on how to keep social media from driving a wedge between you and your partner as highlighted by certified life and relationship coach, Troy Spry in the blog paulcbrunson.com in the article 'Four Ways to Keep Social Media from Ruining Your Relationship' posted in December 2015.

1. Be Transparent On Your Relationship Status

That doesn’t mean you have to update the whole world on what you guys are up to, but they should know that you are in a relationship. If you are married in real but single online, it is a false message that you’re portraying to your virtual friends. You may not have any wrong intention, but you are indirectly creating a space for others to think that you are still available.

2. Communicate With Your Partner

If you find yourself more attracted to your virtual friends because they give you more attention than your partner, you should take this warning sign seriously. Your partner might have been busy with work that they fail to realize they have not been giving enough attention to you. Rather than telling the whole world about your problem and seeking attention, talk to your partner and come up with a solution.

3. Keep Your Facebook An Open Book

Everybody have a certain level of curiosity towards their partner’s online activity. It may look like they don’t trust you, but it is just that they need you to be open so that it’ll make both parties comfortable. This doesn’t mean you got to share your password with your spouse, but don’t do the sneaky stuff behind their back because hiding will only make it worst.

4. Know When To Keep Your Phone Aside

Make it a point to keep your phone away when you’re with your partner. They need the same attention that you look for. Always make your partner feel that they are equally important and you put them above your online friends because if they tend to feel they need to compete for your attention, it will not be healthy for the relationship.

Keep in mind, your mate needs just to have the capacity to trust you 100%, even past the screens of online networking and the Internet. Keep in mind that when those digital companions are gone, your significant other is the person who is really going to be there in person, where it makes a real difference. Try not to let your online friendships demolish your real relationship.

5 Ways To Save A Failing Relationship

All relationships go through challenges despite couples professing their deep love for each other, and when misunderstandings aren't easily patched up, couples can grow apart and become miserable.

Should ending failing relationships be the best course? For some couples, trying to save a relationship could turn things around. They say second chances can be lovelier - here's what you can do to save a failing relationship.

Read More: How To Save Your Relationship

1. Figure out your problem before doing something drastic. Think of bolting and leaving your partner behind? Reconsider everything first. You might find a new love and she could be better than your current girl. However, you might eventually lose the spark too. 

2. Talk it over and decide if you want to save the relationship. When you do make the decision to work it out, understand that it will require your physical, mental and emotional commitment. If one partner isn't willing to do this, then the relationship might not be worth saving.

3. Work on yourself. You want to figure out the problem so you pour energy into analyzing your partner's actions and behavior with the constant questions, which can be taken as an attack or control. The problems in your relationship don't lie on your partner alone when you've got issues to figure out with yourself.

4. Agree on becoming a team. Arguments will crop up when two people have so many issues to settle together. However, that's the idea - you need to figure things out as a team. Find a common ground and concrete solutions to your problems. Make suggestions, don't insist on "fixes." Make compromises, but first come up with a priority list or non-negotiables and boundaries so that there are no expectations. 

5. Acknowledge that you might need help from an expert. When conflicts never end despite your efforts, or when resentments still fester despite your talks and compromise, getting outside help might save the relationship. However, set realistic expectations when you do decide to go into couple's therapy as this will take time and there will be setbacks.