When we sabotage relationships, recognizing destructive
behaviors is a vital step toward change.
Men of trauma often
react in defensive manners. It’s understandable. Survivors would do anything
not to relive such pain. It becomes a problem when these reactions find their
way into the relationships we want to keep close. I consider this “reactive
mode.”
Reactive mode is one where we give both positive and
negative feedback to others without taking much time to clearly think through
our response. It’s a kneejerk reaction we deploy in critical situations.
One of those settings, of the utmost importance, is our
immediate relationship…our relationship that really matters to us. I call these
“significant relationships.”
Have you realized you tend to be more patient with people
who are not as close, or important to you?
Have you wondered why you this is the case?
We want our near and dear to think well of us. We care about
what they think.
This is not so much the case for those with whom we have a
closer, or longer term relationship. We tend to take them for granted.
Am I the only one who shares these sentiments? I don’t think
so.
What tends to happen in our busy world where our reactions
are more immediate to those close to us?
Without realizing it, we sabotage those relationships. Have
you lived these five signs of sabotage?
1. Stereotyping
Stereotyping is attributing to someone a set of qualities
because of their background … a group to which they belong. In this case, it would
be a family, friend or cultural group.
Let me illustrate with my own relationship.
My wife and I are from Jamaica. Certain stereotypes are
attributed to most women from Jamaica. One of those is that they know how to
cook and will follow the tradition of having weekend meals of soup and rice and
peas with a meat dish.
When I married my wife, I could easily hold onto this
tradition and expect her to have a meal or meals made on the weekend–typical of
a Jamaican household.
My expectation, which would be not expressed because I
assumed she should know this, even though she grew up in the States from early
childhood, is this would be our weekend experience.
This has not been the case. I could easily get frustrated
and become cold, distant and irritable if I chose. It’s a textbook example of
how stereotyping could sabotage my relationship— simply because she didn’t
follow tradition.
2. Relying On Old Information
Most of us who have had longterm relationships, have formed
opinions of those individuals, which we hold onto. This leads into not giving a
person a chance to grow, mature and change.
It is true, most of what we know of other people hasn’t been
created out of thin air. They are the ones who gave us the script to read. They
acted in certain ways and said things to give us data about them, which we now
store.
However, that information given to us may have been
presented under duress, during their immature stage of life, or in their
attempt to create an unsustainable impression.
Now they have “grown” up and matured. They manage their
stress. They no longer need to impress. But what do we do? We don’t let go of
the past. It is used as leverage, or an excuse to behave a certain way.
This is one sure way of sabotaging your relationship with
your mate, colleague, business partner or customer.
3. Practice Inflexibility
This is what we do with the Old Information stated above…we
refuse to be flexible, to change.
Sometimes this is our way of remaining in control. It’s a
powerthing. We have something with which to draw on when we need to have the
upper hand. It is our Old Information Card.
We keep this card in our back pocket, so to speak. It might
be perceived as a security weapon.
As much as it may serve you, it sure isn’t serving your
relationships. On the contrary, it is slowly sabotaging it.
Have you experienced this? Have you done this?
Even though you’ve been faced with evidence running contrary
to your old information, you refuse to let go of it. Why? It’s a manner of
being in control.
4. Keep The Blame Game Alive
I’ve yet to find a relationship that survives when the blame
game is played continuously.
I know there are times evidence can be overwhelming, where
the blame lies squarely at the feet of another. I get that.
However, it is so much easier to shift the blame onto others
rather than accept responsibility.
When we are in blame mode, we overlook the fact situations or circumstances are contributing
factors to events. We make a lot of assumptions.
In my practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I see
this a lot. Most times that is the posture couples take when they come into my
office. They want me to align with one side as they point the blame at the
other person for the demise of their relationship. Little do they know, this
accomplishes only one thing: sabotaging the very relationship for which they
want help.
When you stop the blamegame, you take responsibility for the
role in your transpiring events.
5. Refuse To Take Responsibility
When you refuse to take responsibility, it is for one of
these reasons: i) To save your skin; to look “good” (self preservation), or ii)
Pride.
If you have other reasons, and there may very well be, I
would love to hear them.
Researchers have a name for this behavior: it is called
“selfserving bias.” What this means is that we perceive our behavior as more
positive than others’ behavior. It is
the tendency to take credit for the good things that happen to you while
refusing to take blame for something that goes bad.
As I mentioned above, it is also an issue of pride. We don’t
want to have to humble ourselves and say, “I did it. It’s my fault. I was
wrong. Please forgive me.” Some people find apologizing exceedingly hard.
When we fail to take responsibility, blame others, remain
inflexible, hold onto old information and stereotype, we have created a recipe
for relationship failure.
Which of these surefire ways to sabotage relationships are
you guilty of, or have you experienced?
I would like to know your thoughts. Please leave your
feedback below.
July 22, 2015 by
Kingsley Grant
- See more at:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/5-sure-fire-ways-to-sabotage-your-relationships-h2l/#sthash.NkGI7pyR.dpuf
July 22, 2015 by
Kingsley Grant
- See more at:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/5-sure-fire-ways-to-sabotage-your-relationships-h2l/#sthash.NkGI7pyR.dpuf
July 22, 2015 by
Kingsley Grant
- See more at:
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/5-sure-fire-ways-to-sabotage-your-relationships-h2l/#sthash.NkGI7pyR.dpuf
Maria Addis drove her car at her teacher husband Mark Addis after learning about the affair (Wales News)
